A long and painful wait

Last Monday when someone posted she got her LOA I felt so excited and hopeful that we would get ours, too. Today I don’t feel that way…I am not really expecting to get it. I am still praying, and of course I know God can do it and that one of these days it will come…God can do it, and He will, in His time…with that said, I am not getting my hopes up at this point.

It seems like if you got PA (Preliminary approval) first before LID (log in date), you don’t wait as long.  And if you waited a LONG time after LID before getting matched, that also goes quickly as your files are already translated.  Since we got our match one day after LID, we are in the longest possible waiting line.  Sometimes I feel like it will NEVER come.

But I know this is the time to take every thought captive to Christ!  I am tempted to let emotions rule but instead I am choosing to let the scriptures inform what I need to believe and trusting and praying that the Lord will help my emotions to follow eventually.

He loves her more than I do. He wants her good more than I do, and he is working even this for both her good and His glory, simultaneously. He is omniscient and sees all ends.

Someone sent me a message today to say they are praying for my LOA. It is encouraging to me that the Lord has laid us on the hearts of others, and on the hearts of each of my prayer partners (and vice versa). I am glad to not be alone, it is truly an encouragement, as I believe the Lord has orchestrated that.

I confess, I am so discouraged that at times it is hard to pray about it. I feel like I prayed about it continually for so many weeks, but now my heart is so heavy. I know the Lord wants me to persevere in prayer, and I am. But I do find it hard.

In the early days I prayed, trusting Him for the LOA to come in. Now I am just trusting Him, period. I am trying to seek Him for himself, not for His gifts. Trying to rest in Him like a weaned infant clings to its mother—wanting the milk but having nowhere to turn for comfort except to the one who has withheld what he wants so very much…and finding comfort there, even in the absence of what he craved.

I wrote more about this and some of my other Reflections While Waiting for Visionary Womanhood.

I am grateful at a time like this for people who are interceding for us when my heart is sick from “hope deferred”. It reminds me of the passage in Exodus 17, “But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.”

Some days it is harder to pray for myself and my own LOA and easier to pray for my prayer partners to get theirs! I am glad we can hold each other’s arms up, and lift each other’s concerns up in prayer.  I know that even as I am praying for them, they are praying for me.

And when people let me know they are praying for us, it gives me fresh encouragement to not give up and to keep on praying for it myself! It makes me feel like the Lord is telling me not to give up….if he wanted me to give up, he wouldn’t keep putting our need on the hearts of others!

I know it is an important sign of Christian maturity to be able to persevere in hope and in prayer. I know the Lord is using this time to work these things into my heart. It is so hard to wait, because I really feel my little girl needs me and that she is the one who suffers while I wait…but I know that she is in God’s hands and no one can care for her like He can. We pray every day that He will minister to her by his Holy Spirit, and cause her to find favor in the eyes of her care givers.


Hard days

Today was a hard day.  I had hoped to wake up to news about my girl from the mom who took the blankie to her orphanage.  But sadly, her orphanage doesn’t accept packages through third party sources like that, and it was refused.  She wasn’t allowed to see our daughter, either, so there was no news at all.  I am discouraged.

I have been praying regular for three other women who are also waiting for the same LOA document we are.  One of them is someone I met a few years ago, and the others are new Facebook friends; the fellowship we have shared during this time has been such an encouragement and a refreshment to my spirit.  One of them messaged me today to say she is praying Romans 15:13 for me, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Next week they are shutting down the CCCWA system for a week to switch to a new database. If we don’t get our  LOA by then, I wonder how long the shut down will delay us? I fear it will add weeks onto the timeline…I hope that isn’t true. Since we didn’t get it today I am doubtful we will be there in time for our little one’s birthday on August 4. So I am coming to terms with it. The Lord knows what is best and I trust Him.

I have been realizing that I am really grieving the time lost…getting her before her birthday made it seem better, like we hadn’t lost as much time with her.  It is good to face that grief and work through it. The Lord has been merciful to her and to us, regardless of how long this wait turns out to be.